Where Love is, the Meaning of Life is fulfilled. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)
This Valentine´s day I spent at a funeral. Again someone had left this World way too early, leaving behind a wonderful wife and three extraordinary children. Additionally to deeply feeling with my friend and her family, I was also reminded of myself when I was young. I have also been one of those children left behind with a single mother by a very much beloved father who had passed away all too sudden and way too early.
Disconnecting from myself
There are no words for how loss feels. The only thing I can say to get kind of close to it is that for me it felt like Loss ripped me out of Life as well. I didn´t how how to survive. I felt groundless, despaired, overwhelmed, deeply sad, and, most of all, not truly here anymore. It was as if a part of my Soul had left my body and retreated somewhere up in the skies. Because it was just too painful to stay here and feel everything.
Living a disconnected Life
Somewhere deep inside I knew that something was missing. That I couldn´t tap into a part of me which was so important. I was looking everywhere for it. I so much wanted to be free and fully myself again.It felt like I had lost my voice, the one that had always been lovingly guiding me, given me confidence and trust.
I wanted to stop clinging on to people or things just because I felt so alone, so insecure and scared. I knew in my Heart that I couldn´t control things, yet I tried everything to do so. I couldn´t ground myself and was looking so much for somebody or something to hold me. Because otherwise, I would loose myself again and again. But at the same time, I couldn´t trust anything or anyone.
Still, I was always overflowing with Love, and this hadn´t changed. So I gave all my Love to everybody around me as well as to all the visions I brought to Life.
But I didn´t dare to open my Heart to receive Love. I was so afraid to loose somebody again that I rejected Love without knowing it. This made me feel incredibly lonely, not supported and disconnected.
Re-connecting to feel fully alive again
It was a long way back. But I so wanted to reclaim what was me. Deep inside, I knew I had to take the journey to rediscover who I truly was.
I found myself (and true Joy) in the most simple practices. When I was out in nature. When I listened to music. When I was singing and, step by step, reclaiming my voice. When I listened to the ocean. When I danced. When I spend time with likeminded people. When I created new things. When I was writing. This was when I felt truly alive, grounded, connected, safe and loved. And this was when I heard my inner voice loud and clearly.
So somehow, deep inside, I knew how to connect with myself and did this on a regular basis. To be able to do this, I created safe spaces in which I could heal, alone and later with my children.
Every time I experienced loss or rejection in the real world, my old wounds which had not been healed properly were touched again very painfully. This made me loose myself again. So I knew deep inside that I had to retreat into a safe space to heal.
Today I´m whole again. I chose to surrender fully to Life. To open my Heart again, whatever may happen. To love and be loved. To leap into the Unknown and take whatever is meant to be. To trust fully and follow to my inner voice, which is my direct connection to God.
This Valentine´s Day at the funeral, I felt that my Heart is wide open again. I can feel everything. The deep pain of losing somebody and the pure Love which connects us. The Joy of being fully alive, maybe even more because of being conscious that death is awaiting us.
The whole spectrum of Life. Light and Dark. Happiness and Sadness. Love and Pain. Birth and Death. It´s all part of what we chose to experience. It´s all part of Life, and it all evolves from True Love.
It´s on us to trust again. To surrender to all there is and open our Hearts even if it feels like they would break and we couldn´t survive. Because then, we can also feel the greatest Joy and the most beautiful, strong, unconditional Love.
At this funeral on Valentine´s Day, I took the children out into nature. We started to look for little bright spots on this grey, rainy day. We played catch and hide and seek. So next to the darkness, pain and sadness, there was also light, love and laughter.
I love you!